Oh Lord… What Have I Done?

 

First full day is today, but yesterday was technically the first day.  I cheated!  I had every intention of writing a blog post on our very first day with our mobile house but instead I was curled up in fetal position, crying “Oh Lord, what have I done?”

So, we’ll just call today the first day instead, since it is much prettier.  I suppose in the interest of full disclosure and honesty, however, I should report on our yesterday.

Well, Dawny and I left a dear friend’s house on Sunday morning.  Our visit was a lovely transition from nine days of hotel living after the house closed, nine days of burgers and fries, nine days of nervous anticipation.  We eagerly set out, full of adrenaline and coffee and drove straight through, arriving in Elkhart, Indiana at midnight.

I was so bleary eyed by then that I chose to check into a hotel that I thought was a Day’s Inn.  Turned out it just had the word Day in it.  It should have been called Nightmare’s Inn.. on Elm Street… where The Exorcist welcomes The Shining Freddy Krueger!  I won’t belabor the nasty details but we fled after 30 minutes and ended up in the parking lot of Phoenix USA, our mobile house’s manufacturer, dog-and-cat napping fitfully until the sun rose, at which time we wandered around town killing a few more hours until our appointment for the walkthrough and purchase.

By this time, I looked like Bozo the Clown’s graying, gender-confused sibling–a result of a haircut stuck at that perpetually awkward stage of growth, humidity, and nasty sweat.  I must say, the people at Phoenix USA were amazingly patient and kind as they efficiently completed the transaction.  They artfully managed to get back on topic whenever I strayed off into babbling tangents like a delirious dog tracking a bouncing bunny.

Now the hard part.  As if 3 hours of sleep in 30 and a looming monster case of dehydration weren’t enough.  It was time to unload.  Transfer.  Toss the result of months of downsizing from a 1600 square foot house into the 200 square feet (including the engine, which is hardly fair, but so be it) that comprised our beautiful new RV.  (Oh, did I forget to tell you?  It is beautiful!)

Working furiously so that I could complete the task before collapsing, I managed to get all the tote bags, plastic bags, boxes, and multitudes of assorted plastic containers loaded in.  All over the floor, the bed, the dinette.  Some still outside.  There was barely room to crawl into bed, stomach nauseous, head throbbing, crying out loud, “Oh Lord, what have I done?”

Sick, alone, far from family and friends, when my pounding skull would allow, I peeked at all my… stuff… knowing that I just had to make myself unpack.  As I rested and gradually rehydrated, I slowly started in, mostly just tossing things into approximately logical places, and cursing at myself:  “What was I thinking packing all of these breakables??  Insane!  Oh Lord, what have I done?”

But I kept moving, a step a box a drawer, a bag a shelf a prayer at a time.  Eventually had enough put away that I rewarded myself and Dawny with a Subway sandwich–in an earnest attempt to wean ourselves from those intestine-clogging burgers–took a shower, and collapsed into bed.

Which brings us to today.  A pretty day.  A healthy day.  A day framed in rational, rested perspective.  And a day of humble gratitude.

By day’s end, I have everything in its place and not only does it all fit, there is room to spare.  Those breakables that I resented yesterday are today sitting in places where they warm my heart with their sentiments and memories.  It feels like home.  It is home.

I practiced driving a lot today and got the stamp of approval from Phoenix’s owner, who was brave enough to ride shotgun and give me tips and confidence.  I’ll probably head out in a day or two, ready to continue the journey in earnest.

Meanwhile, now that the dream has met reality, I am thankful that it has come out of the experience stronger, polished, and with an important footnote attached that reminds me that dreams are best when they come alive… really alive… the good, bad, beautiful, and ugly parts all tossed together… like a gigantic veggie salad… with NO burgers and NO fries!

P.S. Dawny has been bugging me to let her get a word in edgewise soon.  Next post will be hers.

Black Day… Starry Night

 

I am wearing black today.

I went to closing on the house sale this afternoon.  The buyers go tomorrow morning.  I must be out by 9:00 a.m. tomorrow.  Positivism can only go so far before you hit a wall and simply have nothing left but tears.  Pollyanna’s rose-colored glasses are sliding down her face in a torrent of tears.

I had every intention of dying in my home…

Life, I see has other plans.

In a way this is a death.  A death of this chapter–a HUGE chapter–of my life, my story.  As I’ve gotten older, I am fond of saying: “Oh yes, that happened in another lifetime.”  I’ve never felt a break between lifetimes so starkly, so clearly as now.

Looking back I see many definitive breaks in my theme.  Many overlap, some are minor keys, some (Motherhood) are major flourishes that will brighten my pages until “The End.”

Childhood, leaving home, boomerang back home (a bit of a mess), college, marriage, Fine-Upstanding-Member-of-Society-with-Government-Job, divorce, marriage, MOTHERHOOD, divorce (oh my, what a quick succession that looks to be on paper), depression, entrepreneur, and now… turn the page… to where?

I can guess, I can plan.  Chart the course and do my best to control the path and the direction…

Although… this may be a good point to relinquish some of that control.  Trust a bit more in chance, coincidence, serendipity.  God.

I am going to where I will be able to see stars again…

Millions and gajillions of fabulous stars.

That is all I know.  And for now, that is enough.

Today My Son

 

Today my son left the home in which he was born.  Literally.  The room where he let out his first cry, peered at the world through virgin eye, now echoes barren space.

I remember walking him (and the dogs, of course!) through the neighborhood for some fresh air, and a neighbor asked me about my new baby, my “son.”  That word, “son!”  My heart swelled with pride.  I did indeed have a son, a beautiful, perfect, miraculous son.

Today my son spread his wings and took flight.  Literally.  He should be somewhere over the Shenandoah Mountains about now.  I hope he has a window seat and can enjoy their sight, like a sloppy giant’s big green, rumpled blanket… left out for his mother to pick up, no doubt!

Today it is as if all of the plans and activities of these past few months–decisions, preparations, cleaning, repairing, selling–have crossed a fault-line in the earth.  A huge gap in the mountains’ pass.  Between then… and now.  Between looking back… and moving forward.  Our current doggie, Dawny, and I will be harboring within these now-clean walls–devoid of family pictures and childhood artwork–for a little while longer before we also set forth, to begin our new adventure.

And my son?  Our son!  He has been blessed with strong, loving roots that will nurture him wherever he ventures.  May his path be sprinkled with seeds of joy, his heart showered with great love, and his mind grow fertile with creative inspiration.

Love, Mom