Breaking News!!!

Made ya look.

Absolutely no new news here, breaking or broken, unglued or reglued.  But I figured I would continue with my curmudgeonly theme and talk about something that has been bothering me for ages.  TV news.  Not radio news.  It helps that most radio stations only allot a small fraction of time to the news.  It helps even more that radio news lacks cameras.

TV news, not so much.  On most TV news shows:

  • Everything is breaking!  Even stories that broke days ago continue to be labeled as breaking news as reporters dig through every detail in search of some tantalizing tidbit that can be labeled as the next surprising item.  Even better, an exclusive breaking item!
  • Celebrity deaths are milked until you are ready to vomit.  R.I.P. Prince.
  • Warnings that the upcoming video may be disturbing are given gleefully over and over and over and over again as viewers are tortured with near-death and even real-death events.  It reminds me of futuristic movies I saw in my youth where death became just a part–a tool–of the larger goal:  entertainment and money.  (Has anyone else seen the 1975 film “Rollerball,” starring James Caan?)
  • Teasers drive me nuts.  “Tune in tonight for the full story!”  I was hoping to be asleep by then.  Or watching something that I actually might enjoy.  Please.  Just tell it to me now.  If you don’t, please know that I will not be tuning back in just for that snippet.  I’ll find it later on the internet if I am really that interested, thank you very much.
  • Newscasters barely out of their teens reflect the sorry state of our educational system when they can barely string a proper sentence together even when it is spelled out for them in detail.  And then, heaven forbid, something goes wrong with the teleprompter.  The result is likely to be an embarrassment to us all.
  • Most weather girls and half the female newscasters believe that professional dress means bare arms and daring necklines.  What isn’t exposed is stuffed into tiny, tight outfits better suited for date night.  Note:  If you don’t want to be called a “girl,” and would prefer to be treated like a professional woman, please dress like one.  If you don’t want someone to stare at your chest, please cover it.  It is really that simple.  Oh, God, I have become such a curmudgeon.
  • Donning hip boots and wading into rushing waters after six more inches of rain fell than you forecast two days ago does not raise my estimation of your heroic forecasting abilities.  You just look like a little idiot.  A wet little idiot.
  • By the time the weathercaster gets to the part you want to hear–after spending the bulk of their time describing the weather you and others have witnessed with your own eyes over the past 24 hours–you’ve tuned them out.  The jaded part of me, which grows larger by the day, thinks that is probably their intention.  Oh well.
  • Weathercasters think it is necessary to tell you how to dress each day, for each part of the day…  Jackets at the bus stop…  short sleeves at lunch…  umbrella in the afternoon…  hip boots yesterday…  I can figure that out myself, thank you very much.  Just tell me what I don’t know, like the forecast.  Like, now.
  • … … …

Okay, wait a minute.  I actually have some breaking news.  It fits all the criteria:  It is of timely, critical importance, weather plays a vital role, we receive relevant wardrobe guidance, video might be fun, and it is news to me.  Tomorrow is World Naked Gardening Day!  I discovered this golden nugget from nothing other than this evening’s news, oh my!

What gives this pronouncement such tremendous value?  Nothing less than its practical application to real life–my real life–which is as it should be.  Tomorrow I had been scheduled to help plant a tree as part of my volunteer duties.  The lovely volunteer coordinator heard my tiny squeak loud and clear a couple of weeks ago when I noted that I am not the best person to put in a situation with kids, and I was put on bathroom and cabin cleaning duty instead.  Oh!  How fortunate we all are!

Happy World Naked Gardening Day, everybody.  Hopefully some of our local newscasters will show up to promote the event.  Just be careful with those shovels, ladies and gents!